My Mind Playing Tricks

To say that this has been a busy week would be an understatement. I am both physically and mentally exhausted and I cannot wait for some down time this weekend. There is one more thing to get through before I can relax, though. Tomorrow Penelope is going for her sedated echo at Sick Kids to check on the structure and function of her heart. The chromosome deletion that she has puts her at risk for thoracic aortic aneurysm, so it has been recommended to us that she get yearly echos done to assess for any signs of that.

This appointment was made months ago, and I haven’t really been thinking too much about it. We had more pressing issues to deal with: the G-tube, and those weird spasms she started having, to name a couple. As recently as a couple nights ago, I brushed off any worries about it to my dad and his wife, saying that I wasn’t too concerned about it and expected everything to be fine. Now that it’s upon us, though, I’m feeling more and more anxious about it. After all, the very first inkling we ever had that something was wrong with our baby came when I was pregnant, at the 20 week ultrasound, where the radiologist couldn’t properly visualize her heart and was concerned about its structure. A fetal echo was done, and it didn’t show any abnormalities but the cardiologist recommended she have an echo done when she was a couple weeks old. That echo was more conclusive, and showed only an innocent murmur. So even though that issue was resolved, it’s not easy to shake off worries about your baby’s heart, and now, all of a sudden, those fears are resurfacing.

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I’m hoping that it’s just my mind playing tricks on me, but I find myself watching her, thinking, “She looks pale. What if it’s because there’s something wrong with her heart? Her lips and around her nose looks a little blue. Could something actually be wrong with her heart? What if her lack of weight gain is related to a cardiac problem?” And on, and on, and on.

And of course, after everything I watched my Mom go through (she had a congenital heart defect, and after years of being in severe congestive heart failure, she passed away in 2011), the thought of Penelope having some kind of cardiac problem absolutely terrifies me. Logically, I know that the combination of that fear and my anxieties in general about Penelope’s health are likely causing me to worry about things that aren’t really a problem. I just don’t think I will be fully relaxed until I hear the cardiologist say that everything is fine. Which IS what she will say. Right?

Friday afternoon can’t come soon enough.

Charlotte and my mom, a few months before she died

Charlotte and my mom

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4 thoughts on “My Mind Playing Tricks

  1. Hi Julie, I am so sorry to hear about all the problems you have had to go through in the last few months with Penelope’s health. I know they say God doesn’t give you more than he knows you can handle and in this case, he knows what a strong person you really are , as do the rest of us. It’s okay to sit down and have a good cry and release all the tension you are carrying around. Our children are the greatest gift given to us and it’s so normal to feel their pain and want everything to be perfect for them. You have been a rock through all the ups and downs you have experienced and need to continue for Penelope. I read all your blogs and you have a great gift for writing, you must have gotten all A’s in language. Charlotte has a great personality and is such a sweetheart and seems to be really adjusting to school. Love her stories!! Have a good weekend and try to get some down time for yourself with Mark at home. Chin up, deep breathing and positive thoughts, Mom of Steel, hugs, Gail

  2. The mind is a crazy thing and we are all guilty of letting it run away on us.Better to know what’s going on with Penelope than guessing. Just getting caught up on your blogs, Love the Charlotte stories and happy that school transition has gone smoothely. Maybe she should start writing a blog.

    Thinking of you and praying lots.

    Anne Marie

  3. I love the picture of Charlotte and your mom. How I miss her. I still go and visit her. You are strong just as she was Julie. She would be so proud of the mother you are and your blog which is so well written, funny, heart wrenching and full of joy. Well done!!

  4. Pingback: Acts of Kindness | A Mom of Steel

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