It’s summertime- the weather is warm, the sun is shining, Mark is officially done summer school, The Mindy Project is streaming on Netflix, Penelope’s G-tube surgery is done, and Charlotte is as wonderful as ever- I have every reason to be happy, and yet I’m feeling a little…meh. It’s not like I’m facing a depressive episode (been there, done that, that’s not what this is), just have a touch of the blues, I guess.
There’s probably a few different things contributing to it. Charlotte and I spent the weekend in Ottawa last weekend for a family reunion- it was something that I had been looking forward to for a long time, and it was even better than I had anticipated. Getting to see my Granny, and my aunts, uncles, and cousins was amazing. It was a lot of fun. And it was fantastic getting to spend some alone time with Charlotte- something I haven’t been able to do to that extent in a very long time. I also got to spend a lot of time with my sister and brother-in-law and my four nieces- we stayed in the same hotel, and it was wonderful. Charlotte and I made some fabulous memories, and I’m so glad we had the opportunity to make the trip.
The problem with having such a great weekend, though, is the letdown you feel when it’s over. For me, this letdown is always so intense. I feel despondent, certain that such a great time will never be had again. Once, when I was little, I had been having a great time visiting with my aunt, Barbara, while we were at my grandmother’s house. Unfortunately, one day, Barbara had to leave to go back to her home as she had to work, and I was inconsolable. I cried and cried until I threw up. And while I may no longer exhibit that extreme physical reaction, my emotional response has not improved much since that time.
So that little post-holiday letdown has probably triggered this episode of the blues. It’s not helping that I didn’t get much sleep while we were away, and haven’t had a chance since we got home for much of a break yet. Penelope’s G-tube site became infected, so I had to get that taken care of, plus the stress of worrying about it means that a solid rest has not been in the cards for me this week. I guess I’m just at a bit of a loose end- wondering how things will turn out for Penelope, for me, for our family. I wish our plans to get away for a family vacation this summer hadn’t been scrapped, but since Penelope can’t travel for 6-8 weeks following the G-tube insertion, that’s how it has to be.
And of course there’s that one thing that always gets me down: I miss my mom. Some days, I just so badly want to talk to her, and it kills me that she’s not here. And what’s worse is the fact that she always knew when I was feeling down- she’d call me, and she would know, just by the sound of my voice when I said hello, that I was not myself. And that in itself, was always a comfort- she was the one person who always knew how I was feeling, without me having to say anything. And now she is gone.
And so now what? How do I shake off this funk and enjoy this summer that will be over all-too-soon? I guess if I knew how to do that, I wouldn’t be writing this post. Honestly, this wasn’t an easy post to write. I had to work up the motivation to write it, and I debated about sharing this, but this is what’s real; this is how I am feeling and I want this blog to be an accurate reflection of my life. I just want to feel like myself again- happy and able to focus on the positive- something I haven’t really been able to do this week.