The Blues

It’s summertime- the weather is warm, the sun is shining, Mark is officially done summer school, The Mindy Project is streaming on Netflix, Penelope’s G-tube surgery is done, and Charlotte is as wonderful as ever- I have every reason to be happy, and yet I’m feeling a little…meh.  It’s not like I’m facing a depressive episode (been there, done that, that’s not what this is), just have a touch of the blues, I guess.

There’s probably a few different things contributing to it. Charlotte and I spent the weekend in Ottawa last weekend for a family reunion- it was something that I had been looking forward to for a long time, and it was even better than I had anticipated. Getting to see my Granny, and my aunts, uncles, and cousins was amazing. It was a lot of fun. And it was fantastic getting to spend some alone time with Charlotte- something I haven’t been able to do to that extent in a very long time. I also got to spend a lot of time with my sister and brother-in-law and my four nieces- we stayed in the same hotel, and it was wonderful. Charlotte and I made some fabulous memories, and I’m so glad we had the opportunity to make the trip.

Charlotte getting ready for the big party

Charlotte getting ready for the big party

The problem with having such a great weekend, though, is the letdown you feel when it’s over. For me, this letdown is always so intense. I feel despondent, certain that such a great time will never be had again. Once, when I was little, I had been having a great time visiting with my aunt, Barbara, while we were at my grandmother’s  house. Unfortunately, one day, Barbara had to leave to go back to her home as she had to work, and I was inconsolable. I cried and cried until I threw up. And while I may no longer exhibit that extreme physical reaction, my emotional response has not improved much since that time.

So that little post-holiday letdown has probably triggered this episode of the blues. It’s not helping that I didn’t get much sleep while we were away, and haven’t had a chance since we got home for much of a break yet. Penelope’s G-tube site became infected, so I had to get that taken care of, plus the stress of worrying about it means that a solid rest has not been in the cards for me this week. I guess I’m just at a bit of a loose end- wondering how things will turn out for Penelope, for me, for our family. I wish our plans to get away for a family vacation this summer hadn’t been scrapped, but since Penelope can’t travel for 6-8 weeks following the G-tube insertion, that’s how it has to be.

And of course there’s that one thing that always gets me down: I miss my mom. Some days, I just so badly want to talk to her, and it kills me that she’s not here. And what’s worse is the fact that she always knew when I was feeling down- she’d call me, and she would know, just by the sound of my voice when I said hello, that I was not myself. And that in itself, was always a comfort- she was the one person who always knew how I was feeling, without me having to say anything. And now she is gone.

And so now what? How do I shake off this funk and enjoy this summer that will be over all-too-soon? I guess if I knew how to do that, I wouldn’t be writing this post. Honestly, this wasn’t an easy post to write. I had to work up the motivation to write it, and I debated about sharing this, but this is what’s real; this is how I am feeling and I want this blog to be an accurate reflection of my life. I just want to feel like myself again- happy and able to focus on the positive- something I haven’t really been able to do this week.

Gotta get it together for these two monkeys

Gotta get it together for these two monkeys

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14 thoughts on “The Blues

  1. Oh Julie
    We hope you are feeling more like yourself real soon. You are such a wonderful person and such a great mother. You take real good care of yourself. Lots of love,Colleen

  2. Hi Julie we had a fantastic time on the weekend and I agree it is a let down but as you already know and I will go ahead and say it you cannot stay at home and mope! I agree that having to cut your summer vacation plans does suck there must be some things that you guys can do in the city or perhaps you and Charlotte can do a few day trips I see there is an interesting museum in Pickering that she may like. Toronto4kids.com has a lot of ideas. It is very easy to get into a rut but you need to get out every day even if it is for a nice walk I always felt worse couped up inside and then would think about all the time I wasted not doing anything! Hope your spirits get lifted up and I know your mom is watching you and she would be so absolutely proud of everything you have accomplished.

    • Thank you, Sarah. It was wonderful seeing you and your family at the reunion. We will definitely do some things around the city this month. I took your advice and got out of the house with the girls this afternoon to the park, and that was really nice.

  3. Give yourself permission to have down days. Life with kids is a roller coaster and planning is difficult. Make of list of things I would like to do with the kids that don’t require planning. Something like bake cookies that Charlotte can roll in sugare for make into shapes (cookie monster cookie dough works great) or have breakfast for supper (toast and cereal for supper is easy and feels decadent). Make an adventure of a bus trip to the mall just to get out of the house. But keep a list because you can never think of things when it’s a down day!

  4. Sending a big bug Julie! My Mom always knows by the sound of my voice I am a bit off too, and it irritates me when she asks and I don’t want to talk about! I feel you on the blues, sometimes there is nothing big to look forward to and it all seems boring. You will come out of the funk, and are allowed to have some down days. You can always plan a trip to Guelph and visit me, been a very long time and I am sure we would have something to talk about 🙂

    • It would be great to catch up with you, Erin! My dad is still in Guelph, so we will have to plan a visit. Moms always seem to know what their kids are feeling- one day, that will be us, annoying our kids with our intuition!

  5. I know you miss your mom Julie. Believe it or not, I miss my mom too. Every time I see your Granny I feel this little twinge of longing that my mom was still here so I could just put my head on her shoulder one more time. And my mom was in her nineties when she died and I was in my late 40s. I guess what I’m saying is that there is no good time to lose your mom. Especially a good mom. What we have is their legacy. Knowing every day that they loved us deeply and never wanted to leave us. And that they taught us so much about being a mother. When I see you and your sister with your beautiful children, I know your mom is in the room. The sensitivity and love that you treat them with is so effortless. It’s obvious where that comes from. She is alive in the way that you mother and that will never die because that will continue through your children to theirs. Keep enjoying your children Sweetie-these days are short and fleeting albeit, at times, monotonous. Things will change simply with time and you will be surprised and continually absorbed by how they unfold in unexpected twists and turns that you would never have predicted.

  6. Julie,
    It is so wonderful that you have the strength to put your feelings out there. I cannot say any better than Liz did. Just too beautiful, how both of you and others have expressed yourselves.
    Love Pappi xx

  7. Julie, I am so sorry about your let down after last week’s wonderful get together. We all had a great time seeing the ones we seldom get to see from year to year. I was so happy to see you and sweety pie Charlotte. I feel that you have the right to have a few bad days after all the stress and anxiety you have been through this year. When the blues hit you need to show who is the boss and not let it get you down. Stay positive and put a smile on your face. If you are smiling it will be hard to be unhappy about things. My gym instructor always tells us to take 10 deep breaths every morning to stretch the lungs and send oxygen to the blood. I think that helps. Always remember that your mom is only a thought away and think of the happy moments you got to share with her. She would want you to stay strong and motor on….we all do!! Love to you, Gail

  8. Alice and I always talk about Christmas Eve being the best day because it is all about the anticipation, it is why I hate going to bed on Christmas Eve. We all feel let down and we all feel the blues and miss the ones that have gone before us but not all of us have the guts to talk about it let alone blog about it. I have no advice that could even come close to the feedback that was provided in these comments, these comments are truly inspirational. All I can say is hang in there and find the next event to look forward to, Christmas is only 5 months away!!

    Love Anne Marie

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